Happy Missteps & Glorious Mistakes

Have you ever lost a job? Lost a love? Lost your mind and tore your world apart to “get right” again?

Did you get a little distance from the situation and think, “Oh, THANK GOD!”

You’re my people.

There are several events I look to as pivot points for my life. Situations where – to my liking or not – I had to pivot and find a new path, a new outlook, a new way of doing things.

I won’t lie – in the moment, those events left me awash in waves of hot, dark hell crying for mercy.

But I did what I do best. I took the next breath . . . and the next . . . and the next.

Eventually all those breaths added up to minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Hours, days. Then, one day, from far away, I could look back at the man, the job, the meltdown, the (fill in your own blank) and say, “Damn – I didn’t like it in the moment, but that really changed me for the better!”

How do you navigate the change that comes from tough times?

Do you let it mold you and sculpt you into something better or do you get bitter?

Here are a few things I’ve learned about overcoming my Bitter-B tendencies:

I have to stop myself from making up a different story. I’m a writer and I’m southern, which means embellishment is one of the things I do best. So, when I’m going through a tough time, I remind myself to recite the facts, only the facts – without any “supporting details.”

Once I get my story “straight” I ask:

What am I REALLY upset about?

A lot of times, it’s not the actual thing that I’m upset about. It’s the ideas/dreams/stories I told myself about the thing that I’m upset about losing.

Now that I’ve reframed, do I want what I lost? OR, do I want a different/better version that’s more in line with my dreams and ideals?

This is where I’m able to gain footing. Most times, I don’t really want the actual thing I lost. I want the version of the thing that I had in my head.

What action steps can I take to bring me closer to what I REALLY want?

I’m a list-maker, so I pull out a pad and get to listing. Some of my ideas are shit. But, sometimes, I come up with something brilliant. (PSA: If you’re applying these steps to your breakup – stalking, whether online or in person, is NOT an action item. I repeat, stalking is bad, m’kay?!?!?!)

Of course, sometimes, I continue spiraling. And, when I look at it, it’s because I’m ruminating. That’s when I make a deal with myself to step telling myself “the story.” (Yes, read that again.)

I’ve noticed that it’s worse when I’m in the car. I’ll be driving down the road and my monkey-mind will be on chattering away going over and over and over what happened, what I did wrong, what they said, what I said, what I could’ve done differently, what they should’ve done differently, what I wished I would’ve said . . . and on . . . and on . . . . and on. Seriously, it’s like the crazy train pulls into the station and blows the whistle for all the nutty thoughts to come aboard!

So, I redirect my thoughts when I find my mind winding up the story box. Even if it’s just 15-minutes at a time. I’ll sing along to the radio or put on a podcast – I’ve noticed that when I engage with words, I disengage my internal monologue. But, if you’re in a story spiral, you’ll have to experiment until you find your key to stop the self-talk.

Finally, I seek forgiveness.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to have an apology – or even a conversation – to forgive someone. I simply get quiet and picture them in my mind and I say to them, “Person’s Name, I forgive you and release you. I wish you nothing but the best.” Then, I picture them getting lighter and lighter and lighter until they turn into a fine mist and they’re gone.

This isn’t a one-and-done practice, though. Sometimes, it takes several forgiving and releasing visualizations for me to let peoople go. But, that isn’t the hard part.

The hard part is to forgive and release myself. I let go of the ridiculous expectations I had for myself, I let myself off the hook for saying horrible things, I just let it go and feel the freedom from being released. When I’m able to do it, it’s quite a remarkable experience. I urge you to do the same.

Finally, I take responsibility for my story and my life moving forward.

Yes, that last chapter wasn’t so lovely, but I can turn the page and start penning something marvelous now! After all, I’m in charge of my experiences and you are responsible for yours! That’s why I’ve started making plans – both professionally and personally – to be active in drafting a bright future. Grab your calendar and put some fun outings and challenges on there! It’ll give you something to work toward and look forward to conquering.

Of course, if you’ve tried everything you can think of to get out of your own head and can’t stop the cycle, consider talking to someone. Do your research and choose a life coach or a counselor to help you identify some strategies that will get you through this roadblock and on the path to a better life.

At the end of the day, though, what matters most is that you’re able to learn and grow from your experiences. Life should make you better, not bitter! Let’s drop our sad stories, let’s stop being victims and let’s embrace lasting change and renewed strength.

Cheers, dears, to the happy missteps and glorious mistakes that make us our most glorious selves.

Brandy Hammond1 Comment

Stop Outsourcing Joy

Would you give a stranger your wallet? No.

Would you hand them the keys to your new car? Also no.

Then, why do you blindly give away your joy, peace and happiness without thinking about it? Be greedy with that shit!!!

If time is a commodity, then emotions are our currency. The way you feel from moment to moment determines the quality of your life. Why give away the good stuff . . . in traffic, when you miss the elevator, when you’re slightly inconvenienced at Starbucks?

Have you ever noticed how quickly a sweet morning sours with a few unfortunate sequences? The kids spill cereal in the car, there’s an accident that slows traffic, you don’t get the promotion you wanted . . . 1, 2, 3 and the next thing you know you’re flailing about like a fool in the parking lot.

Did you know that you don’t have to respond?

You don’t have to engage.

You can receive the information and let it pass without assigning meaning.

You see, it’s the meaning that we attach to things that hook us into the downward spiral. If you let the cereal be an accident – which it is – it’s less personal than a reflection of the child’s blatant disrespect and inability to listen . . . even though you told them 5,972 times. Yes, it’s an inconvenience to get the carpet cleaned so the milk won’t spoil, but that’s all it is. It isn’t a reflection of horrible parenting. It doesn’t mean your littles won’t function as a part of society. Do you see the difference?

And this applies to everything – from the stuff your boss says to your partner leaving their socks on the bathroom floor. It’s not personal – it’s information. It doesn’t mean that your boss doesn’t appreciate your hard work and contribution – it means there are areas for growth and improvement. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you. It means you’re receiving feedback – there’s an article of clothing on the floor.

When you get the information, decide if there’s anything you can do about it. If you’re willing to do something, do it. If not, skip it.

Do not hand over your happiness.

Do not let joy slip through your fingers.

Do not slam and huff and act like a child.

Claim responsibility for your life. Use your words. Share your concerns. Brainstorm and implement solutions. But, do not, under any circumstances, put your happy on someone else’s to-do list. It isn’t their responsibility – it’s yours. Happiness is an inside job that does not rely on a set of outside circumstances.

That’s hard sometimes, because yes, life is frustrating. People will be late, traffic will slow, the internet will drop your connection.

But you, alone, are responsible for your happiness – not the weather, the socks or the cereal. Slap a smile on your face and let that shit go. Let it go!!! It’s not your job to perfect everyone and everything. And it’s not their job to put a smile on your face. It’s YOUR job to seek out and truly enjoy the delights of the day.

Why not just say “fuck it,” step over the socks, pour yourself a coffee and read your favorite book if that’s what makes you happy? Work on the engine, learn a new skill, paint the picture, sit in the sunny spot, host a party, play hide-and-seek with the neighbor’s kid, call a friend . . . do the happy things before your time ends.

Just – whatever you do – don’t put your happy on someone else’s to-do list.

Brandy HammondLeave a comment

How To Celebrate the Everyday

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Make dinner. Go to bed.

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Make dinner. Go to bed.

Get up. Go to work . . .

Do you relate? Do you feel like your life is on autopilot and that one day runs into the next, into the next, into the next?

Have you ever thought about slowing down and celebrating the everyday? (Yes, even the mundane!)

It occurred to me one night when I was making dinner. (Which I do NOT love to do, btw. I’m much better at making reservations.) I’m in the kitchen and think – I hate this, but it’s necessary. What can I do to make this hell task more enjoyable? How can I celebrate this moment, because THIS very second is all I have.

So, I went to the living room and brought back a candle. I poured myself a glass of wine and turned on some music. I took a couple of sips and by the end of the bottle I FREAKING LOVED cooking!!! (Kidding.)

I settled in and tried to find pleasure in the task – the colors, smells, movement, textures. Which, overall, made it more enjoyable than cursing every step of the recipe and my inability to “throw something together” like some people do.

Then, I wondered about the rest of my life and the 3,000 mundane things we all do on the day-to-day. How could I make each “chore” a little less “chore-ing” and a bit more enjoyable?

I added podcasts and audio books to my daily walks, because I never feel like I have enough time to read and listen to all the things I want. I turned on the deck lights every night – even if I don’t sit outside, I can see them through the windows and they make me happy! I threw things away and started a donate bag, because clutter makes me crazy. I painted my nails for #manicuremonday – because I like the way pretty polish looks when I type on my keyboard.

Basically, I’m waking up to the gift of each moment and encourage you to do the same. This is NOT a dress rehearsal, kids. And nothing brings that home more than the big birthdays and milestones. So, I beg you . . . use the “good” plates, take the bath, light the candles, drink the wine and soak up every minute of your gorgeous drudgery.

Because, celebrate it or not, one day it will be over. And, right now, I’m pretty confident that as you draw your last breath, you’ll never regret having made the most of every single moment.

Brandy Hammond2 Comments